He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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