Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
