Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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