Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
