I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
