woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
