I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
