I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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