i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
