i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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