They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
