She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I came so hard my ears popped.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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