you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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