i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
