Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
