why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
