Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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