He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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