we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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