I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
