he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
