i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
