Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm like, not good at living.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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