I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
