She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
