Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
