that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
