I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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