I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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