remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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