If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
