Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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