why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
