She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
