I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
