drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
