I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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