The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
