Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think I won the penis lottery.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
