I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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