Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I CAN MOONWALK!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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