I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
