He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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