don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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