I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
