Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
