So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
