I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
