I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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