what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
