we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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