I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
