If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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